Broken Glass
by Writingiswhatiam
Summary: It didn't used to be like this. I used to be ok, used to have it together. Then with one stumble, one incident, my whole world crumbled.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1

Is this what you call life?

I sat in the floor of my bedroom, hugging my knees to my chest. Downstairs, I heard Mom in the bathroom throwing up. I heard a dog bark somewhere down the street. I wiped tears from my cheek and cleared my throat, sucking it up and trying to do my English homework. I couldn't concentrate on it, though.

"Eleanor!" I heard Mom call. "Come down here and help me with these dishes."

I stood up and looked in my reflection in the mirror for a moment. My red hair was in low piggy-braids. I had a plaid skirt on with a red long sleeved shirt under a black tank top. Fishnet stockings and combat boots really set the look off, giving people the message not to mess with me. It worked, besides a few stares and sneers. Even Marco was trying to avoid me now, he wasn't calling as much as he used to, didn't ask me for my advice. We didn't go out for coffee anymore and he never came over. And Ashley is just...Ashley. Always writing music and singing about how Craig hurt her. So I was isolated, I guess I preferred it that way.

"Ellie! _**NOW**_!" Mom shouted louder.

"**_I'm coming_**!" I yelled back, heading downstairs.

"Wash these up," Mom said. She had a pile of plates and cups and silverware in her hands, trying to carry them to the sink. But she stumbled with every step, and eventually dropped them. "Dammit, Ellie, couldn't you help me?" She snapped.

I knelt down to pick up the broken glass. "Go lay down, Mom, I'll take care of this. I'll be up in a minute."

Mom walked away, stumbling and grumbling. I watched her walk away, feeling sad. I looked down at the broken glass and couldn't help but think of how much my life resembled the shattered pieces. Like them, I'd had it put together once. I was useful and whole. Then, with one stumble, one incident, I broke into a million pieces; pieces that could be too small to be put back together. I picked up the broken plates and threw them away. A few remained unbroken and I put those in the sink. That's when I noticed the piece of broken glass in my hand. I stared at it, wanting to cut, needing the release. I took a deep breath and threw the piece in the trashcan.

After I had cleaned the kitchen and living room to my satisfaction, as well as my Moms, I went back into the kitchen and got out a dinner tray. I put a bowl of hot water on it, a washcloth, a glass of milk and a package of saltines, to help with moms' hangover. I walked carefully up to her room.

"Mom," I said softly.

She was lying on the bed, her hand over her eyes. She looked up when I said her name. I sat down on the floor next to her, putting the tray beside me. "I brought some things that might help you," I told her.

She looked over at me. "Thanks, Ell," she slurred.

I dipped the washcloth into the hot water and rung it out, folding it and placing it on her forehead.

"I have a glass of milk and some crackers, too."

"I don't want to eat, I just want to sleep," she said tiredly.

"I know," I said. "I'm going to put them on your nightstand, in case you change your mind, okay?"

She nodded. "Why don't you go out to eat somewhere? There's money in my purse."

I looked at her, wanting to help her and knowing I couldn't. That was the hardest part. If it was up to me, she wouldn't be drinking anymore. But it had to be her decision, not mine.

I took some money out of her purse and grabbed my jacket and headed to The Dot.

The sky was darkening and it was cold out.  . The walk to The Dot seemed to take forever, even though I knew it was only five minutes.

I walked in and looked around. Couples and groups of people sat laughing and talking happily. Except one person.

He sat in the corner, his shoulders slouched and his headphones on. His hands were in the pocket of his black hoodie. He looked like he was angry at the world. I knew him from school, I'd seen him around and heard Ashley talk about him. Sean, I think that's his name. I sat down at the table in front of his, my back to him. I ordered a cup of coffee and sat sipping at it.

Then, the doors to The Dot opened and Jay and Towers, and a few other guys I didn't recognize walked in. They walked through the small diner like they owned it. They stopped at my table.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Miss Vampire. Is that coffee, in that cup, or is it blood?" Jay asked sarcastically. He looked back at his gang and they laughed and agreed, as if on command. "What? Got nothing to say?"

"Not to a scumbag like you," I said, glaring at him.

"Ooo, a scumbag. Come home with us and we'll show you how scumbag-ish we can be." He raised his eyebrows as he said it, showing what he was implying.

"I'll pass."

"Come on, girls like you like a little fun sometimes. What's the problem?"

"Jay, I hardly think **_anything_** with you would be considered 'fun.'"

He grabbed my arm hard. It wouldn't have hurt very much if it weren't for the cuts and welts on it. But it hurt like hell. "What'll it take, huh? Money? Drugs? Name your price."

I couldn't believe what he was implying. I definitely wasn't going to sleep with him or any of his friends—not for a million dollars.

"Come on, Jay, let her go." I looked up and saw Sean standing next to Jay.

"Don't tell me what to do," Jay said, jerking my arm harder.

"I'm serious," his voice was laid-back, calm. "You're not going to get anywhere with her, anyway. So don't even try, she's not like that."

Jay eyed me for a minute, as if deciding what to do. "You're probably right." He let go of my arm with a jerk and said, "Come on guys, let's get outta here. Thanks for getting my back, Cameron."

They sauntered off.

"Hey," Sean looked down at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."

He sat down across from me. "He didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked, reaching for my arm.

"What are you doing?" I asked, pulling it back from him.

"I want to see if he left any bruises."

"He didn't."

"How do you know? You haven't checked."

"I've got to go, but thanks for helping me." I rushed out of The Dot and rested against a wall outside.

"Why won't you let me see?" Sean asked.

I looked over and saw him standing next to me. "Because, there's no need."

He stood in silence, looking at me. His eyes were so...intense. The most amazing shade of blue-gray I'd ever seen. "You cut, don't you?" He asked after a minute or two.

"What? That's crazy...I mean...I'd never," I tried to think of an excuse but my mind was blank. I was a terrible liar.

"Ellie, you're a terrible liar," he said, as if reading my mind. "Its okay, lets go to my house so we can talk about this.

"Thanks but I have to go home."

"Let me walk you."

"That's okay. Thanks for helping me back there. I'll talk to you some other time. Bye." I took off in a run. Away from Sean. Away from the truth.


	2. Nobody's Home

Authors Note: I know that on the show, Ellie and Sean are already together, but I haven't seen the show lately so I don't know the details. So I'm going to do this the way I would if I were the director of Degrassi. ) As always, I don't own the show, the characters, the places...blah blah blah. Another thing I forgot to mention in the first chapter is that this does take place around whisper to a scream. Maybe a week or two later, give or take a few days. And lets see...I don't know the details of Ellie's dad leaving, I don't think they ever specified. If they did, please let me know, that information will be useful later. With that said, here's the next chapter.

Chapter 2:

Nobody's Home

I couldn't sleep that night. I hadn't even changed out of my clothes. I just lay there, on my bed, running the events of the evening through my mind. What had given Sean the right to just jump in like that? Did he think I couldn't have handled Jay? I reminded myself that I probably couldn't have handled him, and Sean was just doing what he thought was...well, best. I pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and held my arm up in the light streaming in my window. The cuts were a reminder of my mom, of my dad, of this hell that I'm living in. I knew people had it worse. But I couldn't think about those people right now. I heard Mom get up and stumble to the kitchen, probably getting a bottle of beer or vodka. That was the last straw.

I sat up and turned my bedside lamp on and opened the drawer to my nightstand. I pulled out a razor that was hidden underneath my journal. I brought the razor to my skin, ready to press into it, to tear my arm to shreds. At that very moment, the telephone next to me rang. I let it ring once, twice, three times...four. I answered it finally, wondering who would be calling at two in the morning.

"Hello?" I said, my voice unsteady. I needed to cut so badly...if I could just do it without interruption I would be okay.

"Ellie, did I wake you? This is Sean," the voice on the other end said.

"No, its okay. I was awake."

"You left your jacket at the dot," he said.

"So you call me at two in the morning to tell me?" I asked, aggravated that he had interrupted my release...my only way to let go of pain, for that.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I was going to wait until tomorrow but—"

"Its okay, don't worry about it. Sorry for snapping at you, I just...have a lot on my mind right now. When do you want me to pick it up?" I asked, resting my elbow on my knee and my forehead on the palm of my hand.

"You could come pick it up right now if you want to."

"Wont your parents mind?"

There was silence. "I live alone," he said after a moment or two.

"Oh." I heard heavy footsteps as my moms' door slammed shut. Eager to get off the phone, afraid Sean would here my mother, I said, "Yeah, I could pick it up now."

"Okay," he gave me directions to his place and I hung up the phone.

"Great, Ell, what are you going to do now?" I muttered to myself. "Obviously I'll be going to Sean's."

I tiptoed down the stares and out the door. The street was dark, scary even. But I walked to Sean's as quickly as I could. I knocked on the door and Sean answered it a few seconds later.

"Hey," I said. "My jacket?"

"Yeah, its right here. Come on in for a minute."

"I should get home before Mom notices I'm gone," I said, lingering in the doorway.

"Five minutes? I really need someone to talk to. Nights are hard."

Surprised by the sudden show of his vulnerable side, I stepped in and shut the door behind me. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch tonight."

"Its okay."

"No its not." I sat down on the couch next to him.

He nodded. "So, what's going on? Why do you cut?"

"Is that was this is about?" I asked, standing up. "We went over this, I don't cut myself. That's just demented."

"No it isn't." He reached out and grabbed my hand firmly. He pushed up my sleeve. "I told you."

I jerked it away from him. "Its not what you think. I'm not one of those...people who do it because they have nothing better to do."

"I know." He pulled me down next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Is that why you asked me over here?"

"I was concerned."

"You were nosey," I snapped.

"No, I was concerned," he said, his tone matching mine.

"Why?"

He shrugged. "You look so sad all the time, and you shouldn't. You're really pretty when you smile."

"You don't always look happy either. Always having your headphones on, even if you're not listening to music. Shutting out the world."

"Maybe I have a reason."

"Maybe I do, too."

"My parents are alcoholics," he blurted out. "That led to...a lot of tension, when I was younger. I fell in with the wrong crowd, made some mistakes and got into a fight one night. I had to move here to get out of doing time."

"My moms an alcoholic," I said quietly. "It started when my dad left."

"That's rough." He was silent for a minute. "How does your mom act when she's drunk?" He asked after a moment.

"She sleeps all the time. Doesn't eat, stuff like that."

"Mine fought constantly, always trying to beat each other up. It's kind of pathetic. They didn't really have a reason to drink, your mom does."

"That doesn't make it right," I told him.

"I know, but that makes it understandable."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Doesn't make it easier to cope with, though."

I could feel his eyes on me, as if he could see right through me, as if he knew me. It made me furious. "Do you think you know me or something?"

"What? Of course not...but I'd—"

"Exactly. You don't know me. No one at this freaking school knows me but they still pass judgments as if they do! Do you think I don't hear what they say about me? Vampire. Goth. Whore. Queer lover. Do you think that's easy?" I felt hot tears run down my cheeks, I tried to stop them but I couldn't.

"It isn't easy, Ellie. I know all about that. Do you think I don't hear what they say about me? Troublemaker. Delinquent. Criminal. That's not any easier than being called a vampire or a goth, now is it?"

"No, I guess it isn't."

"Stop thinking that I'm trying to judge you or make fun of you. I just want to know you."

"Why?" I asked, stepping away from him.

"Because, you're not what you appear to be. That's obvious. I think...we'd have a lot in common."

"You don't want to know me. Trust me. I don't even want to know me."

"Let me be the judge of that."

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into," I told him.

"I know," he looked me in the eyes as he twirled a strand of my hair around his finger. "That's what makes it so interesting."


	3. Fortress of Tears

Oops! I just added this chapter as a new story! Oh well, I fixed it. This Song belongs to HIM its called Fortress of Tears. Degrassi belongs to whoever degrassi belongs to. NOT ME. Hope you enjoy. Ellie and Sean forever!

Chapter 3

Fortress of Tears

The next day I walked into school not knowing what to expect. Would Sean deny what he had said to me the night before? Was he wrong? Was he lying?

I didn't want to think so negatively, but I couldn't help it. Every time something good happened to me, something bad had to follow it.

I went to English class and remembered that I'd never gotten my homework done. _Oh well, _I thought to myself, _guess that means I get another zero. _I sat down in my normal seat and pretended to pay attention.

At lunch, I chose not to eat, so I went and sat at a table by myself. I had nothing to do, so I'm sure I looked like an idiot, sitting at the table, alone and quiet and solitary. I liked being alone, though; nobody can hurt you if nobody is around. Sometimes it sucked.

"Contemplating the mysteries of the universe?" A voice asked from behind me.

I turned, knowing that I would see Sean. "Maybe."

"Can I join you?"

"If you want."

"You're not much of a talker, are you?" he sat in the chair next to mine.

"I'm just not used to talking to people anymore."

"How are things going?" he asked. "Did your mom catch you last night?"

"Are you kidding? The world could have ended and she would have still been asleep."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

I nodded. I had no clue what to say.

"Will you come over tonight?"

"I don't know that I can," I told him.

"Will you try?"

"Yeah."

"Can I walk you home?"

"Won't Jay need you to steal something after school?"

"Jay can do it himself."

"Okay."

"I'll meet you after our last class."

I decided to go to Sean's after school, instead of going straight home. He wanted to know me, despite my defense mechanism that kept everybody away. That meant a lot.

"Which direction is your house in?" he asked as we met on the steps outside of Degrassi.

"Could we go to yours instead?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Cool. Thanks."

"No problem."

There was an awkward silence as we walked.

"Do you like music?" he asked.

"Some music."

"What kinds of stuff do you listen to?"

"I don't know, really. Whatever comes on the radio, I guess. I like Linkin Park, A Perfect Circle, Green Day, and Good Charlotte. Stuff like that."

"Me too. Linkin Park is good. Especially on Meteora."

"Yep, that was a good album."

We approached his house and he let me inside. We sat on the couch.

"Tracker isn't here. It gets lonely sometimes," he admitted.

I nodded. "It's lonely at my house, too."

"You can come over anytime you want to."

I smiled at him. I actually _smiled_. "Thank you."

"I like you, Ellie. I want to help you."

I looked away, breaking eye contact. I didn't want him to see the pain that I was in, although I knew he already had. "I'm not sure I can be helped."

"Everybody can be helped."

"You don't know that."

"I want you to listen to something." He stood and put a CD in his stereo. A song started playing.

"No one can hurt you now

In this haven safe and sound

No one can save you now

From this grace you're drowning in

Just hold your breath on your way down

This fortress of tears

I've built from my fears

For you

This fortress wont fall

I've built it strong

For you

No one can free you now

From the chains around your heart

Don't be afraid now

Just dive and descend to me

And hold your breath on your way down

This fortress of tears

I've built from my fears

For you

This fortress wont fall

I've built it strong

For you

No one can hurt you now

In this haven safe and sound

Just hold your breath on your way down

This fortress of tears

I've built from my fears

For you

This fortress wont fall

I've built it strong

For you."

I was crying by the time the song had ended. "Why do you have to do stuff like that?" I asked him, angry that he'd gotten through my fortress. "I was doing fine until you come along and just…you challenge everything!"

"You need to cry, Ellie," he told me. "You need to get it out."

"I don't want to get it out. Its so much safer kept inside."

"And you're happy with it that way?"

"I need to go home."

He wanted to protest, but he didn't. He walked me home. We stood on my doorstep.

"I'm sorry I got mad earlier," I said.

"I know." He looked at me again, with those blue-grey eyes piercing my soul, forcing me to feel. He leaned closer, cupping my face his hands, and he kissed me. A deep, passionate, perfect kiss that I wanted to last forever. "Call me later?"

I could only manage a nod before I went inside. I collapsed against the doorframe.

"Where have you been?" Mom screamed at me.

It was always like this. Whenever she just starts drinking, she gets mean. After the first three or four, she just gets tired and passes out.

"I went to Sean's house…he's a guy from school," I told her. "We were studying."

"Studying? Yeah right. I know how boys study."

"Mom," I started. "That isn't fair…we didn't do anything."

"I don't believe you! I don't know what's happening to you. You used to be such a good kid."

I glared at her. "I still am! You used to be such a good mom; I don't know what happened to _you_!"

She slapped me. I ran out the door. I wasn't going to put up with that. There was no way. She had never hit me before.


End file.
